I say I want to be a Christian writer and speaker yet I won’t put myself forward at church, despite the fact that they’re short of speakers and will be for the coming months until the new pastor arrives. My husband tries to ‘volunteer’ me and I hesitate. Then I say yes. And the deacon knows I did a good job on my first go, and says she had thought about asking me. I hold back, not wanting to put myself forward. Yet I want it so much. And then someone else comes along and the conversation is forgotten and I feel like a child given a brightly coloured balloon, only for it to suddenly burst.

The speaker last week was not good. Some guy from a bible college (it didn’t give me much hope for the bible college). But even knowing that, I still didn’t bloody volunteer. What on earth is the matter with me? The trouble is that, despite having learned through Celebrate Recovery that low self-esteem and seeking to put others’ needs before my own is not the same as humility, I still do sometimes feel conflicted. The above are symptoms of co-dependency. For a good definition of co-dependency, see here http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm

Abuse as a child often creates a co-dependent adult (even if they don’t realise it, because how do they know any differently?). I have worked hard and come a long way to be a different person. So why, especially after the not good speaker last week, didn’t I offer to speak myself at some point?

Maybe I should ask myself: so what are you worth?

Am I going to stand up and do what I know I am supposed to do, even if it goes against the grain, or will I sit at the back of the church for the rest of my life thinking ‘If only I could get up there…’?

But the truth, if I am honest with myself, is that there is more going on in my head. I also have to speak to the police very soon. I am not looking forward to it (that’s the understatement of the century – I have been thinking I might burst into tears all flippin’ day). It is affecting me more than I expected.

Will you pray for me, and for my family… for courage and for the steadfastness of desire to do the right thing, and to hold strong to the end – to seek justice because justice is God’s nature – God’s intention made real?

There is something of the divine mystery of God in the pursuit of justice. It is incarnational. As Christ was God made man, so God’s will is incarnate when justice is upheld. I will hold on to this knowledge when I do what I need to do.

‘I say to the Lord, ‘You are my God.’
    Hear, Lord, my cry for mercy.
Sovereign Lord, my strong deliverer,
    you shield my head in the day of battle.

I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor
    and upholds the cause of the needy.’

Psalm 140:6,7,12.

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