Feelings as mixed as a 7 year old’s ‘cocktail’, made with flour and egg and orange squash. Not sure whether it’s creative and healthy or just nauseating.
I have mixed feelings because my husband has been offered a new job 100+ miles away. This is what we have waited for. Yet it feels so sudden, because they want him to start work there as soon as possible. So we’ll be moving. Imminently. With all that that entails. And we won’t be living in the countryside any more. And I won’t be invited to speak in church as I had anticipated (which regular readers will know I was very much hoping to), because we will have the task of finding a new one. ‘What if we don’t find one?’ is the question that creeps into my head ‘or they’re just not interested in anyone with anything new to say?’.
Mixed feelings also because I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed because someone, whom I have the greatest respect for, promised me something. That someone hasn’t done it – yet I’m sure he meant it when he said it. Not that there was a timescale on it – but it’s been nearly three weeks. And I had hoped, you know? In a way I don’t often let myself, because I have been hurt too many times. Maybe I should be more patient. It’s just that it has the potential to mean so much.
Mixed feelings because I’m sad. I’m sad because, after I agonised over how to write a letter to my oldest friend telling her how I finally reported my childhood abuse to the police… she has ignored me. I spent so long thinking how to write it, and how I didn’t want to worry her or cause distress. Nigh on three months have passed. She sent a gift for Squidge’s birthday, but nothing in response to me.
There’s still the shadow of the ex-husband’s attempt to have ‘access’ to my children. And the lurking unease associated with the police’s ongoing efforts at investigating what I told them about my childhood experiences.
Mind you, there are positives, and for that I am so thankful. When we move, we won’t be anywhere near the ex-husband so will never have to worry about avoiding certain places. That will be amazing! And because we’ll be in the town, I won’t have to spend two hours a day on the school/work run. Frank will be able to walk to work and with any luck the girls will walk to school. There are lots of facilities in the town, too – a gymnastics club, a swimming pool, a large park and a classical guitar teacher for me, so I can finally take up classical guitar again.
I’m also planning to continue my writing – I seem to have had dozens of ideas for stories lately – and my next OU course begins in four weeks. Then there is the adventure of finding whichever church God has in store (though I am rather petulantly telling Him that I like our current church and it does very nicely, thank you very much).
Mixed feelings. Very. I wonder if it was at times like these that Jesus took himself off into the quietness for a while, to wander alone and talk to God? Think I’ll do the same.